Most people have heard of the geisha, the nightshift women who entertain Japan’s wealthy and elite. Their classy behavior and dedication to the arts have gained them respect and reverence throughout Japan’s storied history. And also helped inspire one of the most terrible forms of Hollywood Orientalism ever. Just try sitting through five minutes of Memoirs of a Geisha — it’s like holding your pee while taking a crap.

Lesser known are the tayuu, or oiran courtesans. These entertainers are like the Rolls Royce of playmates, putting the average geisha on par with a pre-owned Le Baron (where were these car analogies when I needed them in college?!).

Cropped Heads is what clothing brand Organ is appropriately calling this long sleeve shirt. The woman on the back, as you might of guessed, is one of those pricey tayuu court ladies. But it looks like her date with OJ didn’t end so well, because I’m pretty sure that’s her severed head on the front of the shirt! Actually, the woman is from a famous Japanese ghost story. Think Pretty Woman meets Dawn of the Dead.

I love the negative color scheme used for the shirt. It really punches out the colors and lines. When I first looked at the design, it kind of reminded me of some Yak-style tattoos. I’ve always found it funny how lots of ultra-macho Yakuza feel totally comfortable with inking chics and flowers all over their body. You’d think there’d be a strict adherence to dragons and swords. I guess that’s Japanese culture for you.

Takeo Kikuchi is a well-known Japanese designer of industrial products and men’s apparel. On occasion, I’ve visited his boutiques and have always found myself impressed by his line’s sensible tastes and original designs. His clothing is usually cut for a slender build that can sometimes be a bit ‘metrosexual’ for North American tastes. But if you’re able to squeeze into some Kikuchi clothes and still feel comfortable, there’s a good possibility you’ll try and wear it every chance you get.

You know, I hate this ridiculous idea of having to wear something fresh everyday. I’d much rather wear what I want, and find a way of avoiding people that saw me the day before. Then I could go around every freakin’ day of the week sporting the same perfect Kikuchi outfit nailing a perpetual lineup of first encounters like Criss Angel in a room full of actors.

I’ve been aware of the Onitsuka Tiger brand since their surprising revival a couple years back. In fact, I own a pretty sweet track jacket that I picked up from one of their boutiques in Osaka. But I had no knowledge of their close ties with Asics. I always figured that Onitsuka Tiger just stole their shoe stripes from Asics, or vice-versa, and that’s why their brand was mostly limited to Japan. Well, it turns out that they’re the same bloody company! I know that they plainly state this on their website, but I swear it wasn’t always like that.

Who would of thought that the marathon trainers worn by your neighbor’s bulimic daughter have the same athletic roots as those funky Mexico 66’s that help waddle your fat ass around town? At least now you can feel trendy and authentically athletic with your Onitsuka Tigers. Not like those pesky Puma guys, whom deep in their hearts know that they’re supporting the Garfield of feline sports wear.

Most wifebeaters come in the plain variety, but not this specimen from Vanquish. With pleasant, thick stripes and a large ‘VA’ logo, you’ll impress the crowds as you mow the front law, careful not to get any grass stains on your fashionable undershirt.

And if some neighbor comes over and asks why you’d spend over $50 dollars on a wifebeater, turn the tables and quiz him about his erectile dysfunction. After possibly the most awkward five minutes of your life, your dad will think twice about ever criticizing your wardrobe again!

Night club fashion designer Varentine (that’s not a typo), has produced this interesting long sleeved shirt. Designed for a slim build, the shirt’s cut follows the elegant contours of a champaign binging, cigarette eating, spiritually famished Osaka male host. If you think that description is in anyway exaggerated, watch The Great Happiness Space: Tale of an Osaka Love Thief. It’s practically my bible. 

An innovative ‘D ring’ lies halfway up the arm and serves to anchor the cuff. Incase you want to show off your bulging biceps as you do arm curls with the karaoke mic.

Dress for comfort, but don’t forget about style! IZREEL has produced this suave new track jacket with many fine details. Carefully chosen colors and fabric, will guarantee this coat to look anything but ordinary. It’s not exactly cheap at around $400, but that hasn’t stopped this hot item from selling out.

I don’t see how the Japanese can afford so much gear. I mean, after personal robots, giant manga collections, and a hefty pachinko budget, where do they cough up the dough to look so trendy? Maybe it’s video games. Maybe the score you get when you play Capcom’s Knights of The Round is what the Japanese get paid in Yen. And for all these years we’ve been plugging our quarters away just to write C.O.K. in the high scores.  

John Bull delivers total comfort with his Old Parka hoodie. The sweater comes in three colors: grey (shown), neutral and black. Long draw strings, a slightly weathered feel, and use of top-notch fabrics place this hoodie high on this summer’s must-have list.

This would make a nice accompaniment for those evenings on the pier, walking a pair of chocolate labs whilst sipping $12 lattes with my hot Swedish nanny. She’s the one that takes care of my kids. And by kids, I mean, my balls. See what I did there? Bizzang!