Ever wondered how distressed denim is made? Yea, me neither. So it came as a bit of a surprise to learn that Levi’s doesn’t loan their jeans out to impoverished Cambodian farm laborers, or hobos in LA, to get that realistic weathered look.

No. The process is performed by a crack team of denim specialists delivering all kinds of abuse to the freshly dipped cotton. It’s kind of like an S&M dungeon, but for denim. And strangely, I’m not getting off from watching any of it. Well, not as much as having a pair of raw selvedge jeans smudge all over my white seat cushions.

So, if you’ve given up on destroying your own pair of raw denim jeans, make sure to buy some from a top-notch outfit like these guys. The operatives look like they’re working out of Cadbury’s secret lair. You know, the one used during the cold war to surgically pack caramel into those scrumptious chocolate squares. Or, I’ve misinterpreted the entire scene and they’re doing something totally out of Scarface. Hey, it never hurts to drag a nasal straw across your imported third world jeans hitting all the whiskering and bleach lines. Ya never know…

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Takeo Kikuchi is a well-known Japanese designer of industrial products and men’s apparel. On occasion, I’ve visited his boutiques and have always found myself impressed by his line’s sensible tastes and original designs. His clothing is usually cut for a slender build that can sometimes be a bit ‘metrosexual’ for North American tastes. But if you’re able to squeeze into some Kikuchi clothes and still feel comfortable, there’s a good possibility you’ll try and wear it every chance you get.

You know, I hate this ridiculous idea of having to wear something fresh everyday. I’d much rather wear what I want, and find a way of avoiding people that saw me the day before. Then I could go around every freakin’ day of the week sporting the same perfect Kikuchi outfit nailing a perpetual lineup of first encounters like Criss Angel in a room full of actors.

I’ve been aware of the Onitsuka Tiger brand since their surprising revival a couple years back. In fact, I own a pretty sweet track jacket that I picked up from one of their boutiques in Osaka. But I had no knowledge of their close ties with Asics. I always figured that Onitsuka Tiger just stole their shoe stripes from Asics, or vice-versa, and that’s why their brand was mostly limited to Japan. Well, it turns out that they’re the same bloody company! I know that they plainly state this on their website, but I swear it wasn’t always like that.

Who would of thought that the marathon trainers worn by your neighbor’s bulimic daughter have the same athletic roots as those funky Mexico 66’s that help waddle your fat ass around town? At least now you can feel trendy and authentically athletic with your Onitsuka Tigers. Not like those pesky Puma guys, whom deep in their hearts know that they’re supporting the Garfield of feline sports wear.

I just noticed that Dragon Beard has stamped a redesigned logo on some of their kicks. I’d call it an improvement, if you ask me.

Most Dragon Beard shoes have that weird tri-appendage design stitched into the sides of their runners. I don’t know what this feature is supposed to be, but it basically resembles some creepy alien fingers grabbing at your heels.

Or maybe that’s the whole thrill of wearing those shoes. Barbie has lead paint, cigarettes have cancer, and Dragon Beard has the master switch to your hallucinogenic imagination.

After 600 hours of wear, these raw selvage Evisu jeans have proven to be a massive pain to run down! Where are the totally rad distress patterns? Why don’t they feel soft like women’s underwear? 

You see, I wore these selvedge jeans at a laboring job, figuring it would greatly speed up the weathering process (which is the only way to get a custom distressed look); how wrong I was. Standing, walking, pushing and climbing have proven not very efficient at rubbing off the deep Indigo dye. In fact, wearing these jeans around the house, where I spend considerably more time in a seated position, is probably better for this process to take place. With the legs and crotch hardly ever becoming creased while I walk about my workplace, it’s almost impossible to develop the freakish crisscross and honeycomb patterns that you’d expect to get with a pair of raw denim jeans.

Well, I’ve realized my error. I should of been a pussy and just wore them at home, perhaps learning how to play DDR with my ass.

Distressed denim and high contrast wear are prominent features in this pair of jeans from design house Murder License.

Chaotic sewing and severe destruction around the back pockets is sure to remind those pension collecting seniors on the bus, who may of lived through the Great Depression, that they actually had it easy back then. And that’s why you won’t give up your seat. Because standing agitates your ADHD, and the next thing you know you’d be running up and down the isle screaming “I’m running at 40 mph!” Your doctor swears you don’t have ADHD, but that hasn’t stopped you from snorting crushed Flintstones Vitamins your entire life. Wait. Where was I going with this?

Most wifebeaters come in the plain variety, but not this specimen from Vanquish. With pleasant, thick stripes and a large ‘VA’ logo, you’ll impress the crowds as you mow the front law, careful not to get any grass stains on your fashionable undershirt.

And if some neighbor comes over and asks why you’d spend over $50 dollars on a wifebeater, turn the tables and quiz him about his erectile dysfunction. After possibly the most awkward five minutes of your life, your dad will think twice about ever criticizing your wardrobe again!

Dressy and exotic, these jeans by Killer Treasure are a perfect style for a night out on the town. Red stitching and zippers offer just the right highlights for this lush and deeply dyed denim.

Some people don’t care much for zippers, but I don’t mind. Cause you never know when you might have to bust out a cartwheel to impress a room full of empty chairs to convince yourself that renting an entire community hall for your birthday wasn’t a waste of money when nobody but the cab driver that drove you there showed. And he’s out having a smoke, preparing himself for the experience of what you promised to be an orgy of 400 strippers and pornstars waiting for him inside. You wouldn’t want to lose your bus change at a time like that.

Night club fashion designer Varentine (that’s not a typo), has produced this interesting long sleeved shirt. Designed for a slim build, the shirt’s cut follows the elegant contours of a champaign binging, cigarette eating, spiritually famished Osaka male host. If you think that description is in anyway exaggerated, watch The Great Happiness Space: Tale of an Osaka Love Thief. It’s practically my bible. 

An innovative ‘D ring’ lies halfway up the arm and serves to anchor the cuff. Incase you want to show off your bulging biceps as you do arm curls with the karaoke mic.

A stylish belt by the glamor outfit, Charm Cult. The worn purple leather and aged brass buckle reminds me of many a late night at the penthouse suite, MGM Grand.

You know, the one filled with loose women, unlimited cigarettes and a Tudor style Emperor-sized bed where I blast off one of my famous guitar riffs after scoring with three groupies. All of them women. Wait. I’m thinking of my other job. Hotel cler.. I mean rock star. Regardless, never doubt the power of having a decent belt buckle. It’s like adding an extra 3-inches to your wang.